In a move that startled gay rights activists across the globe, actress Scarlett Johansson was recently mauled by a pack of transgender actors at Harvard. Believing she was up for acting troupe Harvard Hasty Pudding’s woman of the year award, she was instead severely injured when she was attacked by several drag queens.

“We are stunned by this turn of events,” said Bob Hopperton, a spokesman for Harvard. “The queens were apparently hopped up on champagne cocktails and Judy Garland movies.”

Miss Johansson’s injuries were classified as slight by emergency medical personnel at the scene, while one of the “gender illusionists” responsible for the assault was rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment of a broken nail.