Nobody enjoys being lied to. It is not exactly a secret that lies cause hurt feelings and destroy trust, but let’s for a moment think of the even greater damage that your lies inflict.
We women have to constantly rely on our gut to warn us of danger. When we find out that we got no warning that you were lying to us… that you were dangerous to our heart, it is like a little chip in our armor. Your lie may not be the first or even the biggest ( ) we’ve experienced but every single lie destroys little by little our ability to trust. We slowly stop trusting others or even hearing our own gut.
My father once told me something that I will never forget. When I asked him why he and mom don’t ever have loud arguments, he said that they wait until they’ve both cooled down before discussing a difference of opinion that may cause an argument. They don’t want to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that they may later regret.
“You may forgive someone for hurting you, but you will never forget.”
This is even more true with lies. I can’t even count the number of lies that men have told me over the years… but I remember them all. I try not to let one man’s lies affect how I am with a different man but I’m human. I’ve learned things from every man I’ve been involved with. A lot of those things are good and have helped me to grow. All of those good things, however, are overshadowed by the one thing the men all have in common… the lies. I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what makes them lie… trying to show them they don’t need to lie to me.
I finally gave up.
It’s useless. The only thing that helped me do is be able to predict when he/they were going to lie to me again and about what. That’s helpful up until I get rocked by a new and even more devestating lie I didn’t see coming.
Later I jokingly came up with the one reason that explains all of it so that I could stop wasting my time stressing over why. Men are FUCKED. It’s a fact. Even joking about it can’t stop the more insidious truth from settling in. This is the one thing my subconscious has been trying to convince me for a long time. This idea really hurts my optimism… damages my hope for good things. This has really tried to drag me into a depression that even happy pills can’t cope with.
I cannot trust men.
There, I said it. I have lost the ability to trust anyone with a Y chromosome. I feel sorry for any man that wants the chance to date me. I can be very hostile when I think I’m being lied to and I am quick to run away when I think I may be hurt. Wow, this is a downer. Let’s change to the more general message I was looking to convey, shall we?
Men, you all have mothers… sisters, aunts, grandmothers, or female friends you care about. Some of you even have daughters you would like to protect. You would not like for the women in your life to be hurt. Think about this. Everytime you lie even about little things, you cause a woman to stop trusting you. Everytime you lie, you contribute to a woman’s doubt that you even care about her. Everytime you lie, you push a woman that much closer to giving up. With each lie, you create a woman who is cold… untrusting… unfeeling… who refuses to let her guard down. With each lie you create a woman who feels the need to run background checks on anyone she considers dating… who pushes away anyone who might be able to hurt her if she lets herself care.
With each lie, you create a woman no man can get to… a woman no man can truly know…
With each lie, you create a woman like me.
(no this isn’t really me but damn she is hot)
Ladies, let’s just forget about love and use them for sex and presents.
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Romantic relationships are never easy. Even the strongest of couples hits bumps in the road from time to time. But when two people get into a commitment for the wrong reasons they are most likely headed for a major mishap. These accidental relationships happen to people everywhere, everyday, regardless of sex. People crash into these types of situations all the time, without even realizing what they have done. And just like that they are submerged into something they never intended on getting into in the first place. Instead of holding out for Mr./Ms.Right, they end up settling for Mr./Ms.Right Now. Sound familiar? Come take a trip with me, we’ll explore the phenomenon with an imaginary couple, Dick and Jane.
First, The White-Knight Relationship.
In this relationship one party trades what they need (such as financial support) for what the other party wants; a commitment. In this scenario our Jane is in serious trouble. She cannot pay any of her utility bills and is about to lose power. (Pun intended? Perhaps…) Jane tells her co-worker and good friend Dick all about her financial woes. Dick really likes Jane, (and he sees this as an opportunity to show her he could be more than just a friend), so Dick offers to pay her bill for her; and insists she can pay him back when she gets on her feet. Later that afternoon when they are leaving work Dick asks Jane out to dinner. Jane accepts. “It’s a date!” Dick says. A date wasn’t what Jane was thinking, but no harm in that, right? Jane goes on said date, drinks more that her share of the wine Dick purchases and when Dick kisses her goodnight that evening she kisses him back. The next night Dick offers dinner again, and Jane accepts again. Dick is so nice and so generous; and okay, it’s true that she isn’t attracted to him, but that can grow, right? A month goes by, and now Dick is introducing Jane as his girlfriend, she is about to meet the parents and he is talking about taking it to the next “level”. Jane can no longer deny it; she has slipped into the girlfriend role. Accidental relationship type number one: savior becomes suitor. Escaping would mean breaking her good friend and rescuers heart; (and she really can’t pay him back right now anyway). Easier to let this relationship happen, perhaps he will love enough for the both of them.
Next we have The Date-Night Relationship.
This is a relationship of pure convenience on one side, and (sadly) true romantic feelings on the other. In this setting, Dick is seeing a couple girls, but nothing serious. Girls that he calls when he wants to see the new romantic comedy that he wouldn’t dare tell his guy friends he wants to see or if he needs a plus one for his cousin’s wedding. He calls on Jane for these occasions more and more; they have similar tastes in movies, and she really gets along with his family and friends, and of course the sex is good too. Jane is a great female friend…plus. But Jane is starting to be increasingly affectionate. She is calling him quite often between dates. Then one night she comes over and offers to cook instead of ordering the usual take-out. She’s brought a movie; it’s (uh oh) a romantic one. She snuggles up to him on the couch, where they end up falling asleep. In the morning Dick opens his eyes to see Jane staring at him with a strange smile upon her face. “I love you,” Jane murmurs. “I love you too,” Dick mumbles back without thinking. Voila! Dick has trapped himself in accidental relationship number two. He begrudgingly accepts this unintended commitment rather than dealing with the mess of breaking Jane’s heart. What started out as a pseudo relationship has become an actual one. Dick will put off breaking Jane’s heart…for now.
This brings us to number three, The Bad-Habit Relationship (AKA The Crutch).
The fear of being alone is strong in some people. They learn to use others to insulate themselves…from themselves. In this situation, Jane and Dick meet at the book store. Jane has just ended a relationship and isn’t quite over it yet and Dick isn’t in a relationship because he just doesn’t really have time for (or want to make time for) one. They both know that neither of them is in the proper place in their lives for a commitment to another person. Yet they find themselves very attracted to each other in an oddly comfortable, broken in sneaker kind of way. Very quickly they start to spend all their spare time together. It’s never very exciting or romantic. Most of the time Dick is ignoring Jane while he works or studies while Jane sits on the couch watching TV and talking about her ex-boyfriend. They aren’t in a relationship because they like each other, they just like the idea of another person in the room to hear them breathing. This is ugliest of accidental relationships, and it can be the most dangerous because you are bonded together by mutual fear. Dick and Jane stay in the unhealthy bad-habit relationships for a long period of time, unhappy and miserable but afraid to make a change.
Relationships are supposed to be about love and trust and mutual caring. They are not supposed to be about convenience or fear of being alone in a movie theater, or worse, in your own home. These accidental relationships are not just a waste of your time but they can be damaging, especially if the other party is not aware that you are in it for the wrong reason and is under the impression you are as invested in the relationship as they are. And besides, we are not here indefinitely. Staying with Mr. or Ms. Right Now will in fact keep you from meeting people that might actually be a better fit. So if you find yourself in an accidental relationship, be it the “white-knight,” the “date-night” the “bad-habit;” (or any other in a long list of dire intimate dealings) do yourself and your contingency partner a favor and get off at the next exit.
Otherwise you might just crash into something a lot more dangerous, like an accidental baby… with that accidental partner…which could become an accidental marriage… and, well, you get my point.
And now, men and women, discussion time. Have you ever found yourself in an accidental relationship? How did it turn out? Perhaps you are in one now and need some help…? Don’t be shy, we don’t judge…much.
My female friendships are really important to me. I need them. I crave them. And when I find someone special, I invest the necessary time to nurture that relationship. Sure, the friendships that I have with men are equally as rewarding, but being face down in a pint of mint chocolate chip with a guy, is never quite the same!
And it never changes. Whether we are fifteen or fifty, women band together and chatter about the same topics. Men. Sex. How our men perform during sex. Penis size, oral sex, whether or not we are being satisfied during sex. Anal sex. Who we would rather be having sex with. And once in a rare while, we will talk about that dirty, skanky slut with the 21″ waist and 36C chest who lives next door.
We also love to talk about ourselves. Well, at least I do. We talk about our hair, our bodies, and our insecurities. We discuss boys, men and women that we are jealous of (though we would never dare use the word jealousy). We describe our fantasies. In full, sordid detail. And then we take off all of our clothes and make out. Read the rest of this entry »
Your wife is about to walk out on you. She met the hottest little blonde stewardess with big tits on the Redeye back from LA and it was love at first sight.
Or, maybe your husband got a glimpse of his doubles partner in the shower and decided that he’s been playing on the wrong team for all these years.
So I’m thinking it might be fun to write about some of my adventures. Here’s one of many crazy/fun/stupid things I’ve done…
I decided to take a “Play Day” off from work since I hadn’t gotten laid in a little while… I went to pick up the guy I was f**king (I have wonderful taste in men… no drivers license) and I was dressed in a super short skirt, stripper heels, button-down white shirt, & black-framed glasses. I went through a car wash and we had some fun before heading to a local sex shop.
The first one we went to turned out to be more of a head shop and didn’t have any porn so I just bought him a pipe he wanted but they were having trouble with their credit card machine so it took a while to get out of there. We went to another shop and I got around $300 in toys and porn (I know, I know). He was driving while I opened some of the items and then there were those pesky blue lights…
He pulled over and of course couldn’t give her a license so she was asking about my car and whether I had insurance when all of a sudden another cop was by my window and started asking me about drugs. He asked me to get out of the car and that was when I noticed 4 more cop cars and one K-9 unit! He was telling me that I better tell him if there was anything in the car or I would go to jail… while I was watching them search Lucifer (not his real name) and put him in the back of the cop car.
The cop told me that a female officer would come over to search me and I was thinking, “Oh no, I don’t have any underwear on!” I was also stressing that it was around 1:00pm on a weekday and I was standing with cops by the side of a VERY busy road dressed like a stripper and someone from my company could drive by. The cop I was talking to said that they had been watching the head shop for drug activity and my car was there for a very long time. He said that Lucifer gave them permission to search my car but they needed mine. I gave it.
While the dogs searched my car, the cop and I discussed dogs (I told him about my Madi) and he asked me if I had a job. I told him I’m an accountant and I even have some work I had taken home in the bag in the back… “um, no the bag in the front is the one with the porn and vibrators.” The cop told me that they were taking Lucifer to jail on an unrelated warrant and I could leave. Whew! I went to a local pub and got really wasted…
Recently, my best friend Phil met the perfect woman. Chiseled features, a hot little body and she could speak four different languages. It looked as though Phil had finally scored the dating trifecta. I was thrilled for him!
Phone call after phone, call he gave me the sordid account of their spine-tingling sex life, their whirlwind social calendar and their titillating phone conversations. The relationship he had entered into was not only built on intelligence, but dirty, dirty sex of epic proportions.
Bastard!
And then, about a month into the relationship, the volume of the phone calls changed. Phil’s demeanor changed. The once hyped-up little dude on the other end of the phone line began to sound nervous and wistful. The conversations of his glorious, glamorous it girl were not as emotionally charged as they had once been. And whenever I broached the topic, I was met with resistance.
I was confused. I was a little annoyed. I was quite curious as to why he was not sharing the brilliance of his new relationship any longer. And when I finally mustered up enough courage to ask, his response was not surprising. It turns out that she with the long legs, the flaxen blonde hair and pouty lips was “crazy.” Yep, crazy as in “mentally touched.”
After laughing at him for a minute (or ten) I told Phil that had he been more specific (honest) when telling me about his new lady-friend, I could have spotted this behavior and, perhaps warned him. I assured him that women are pretty much the same across the board, and certain buzz-words should have kicked him down to the floor where he should have immediately started lacing up his Nikes.
Below are a few situations that should send any man running if he wants to gracefully bow out of a relationship before the onslaught of a tumultuous shit storm!
She says: I’m independent.
She means: I’m needy, but I want you to believe that I’m independent so that by the time you actually realize this, you will be so insanely pussy whipped, you won’t be going anywhere. Sucker!
She says: I’m totally not a stalker.
She means: I’m a stalker. The kind that gets on a ladder and peeks into your bedroom window.
She says: I’m not crazy.
She means: I was institutionalized. Because I’m crazy.
Side note: She will ride you with unbridled enthusiasm in the sack. You might want to consider this one.
She says: I want to meet your parents.
She means: I don’t plan on going away. Ever.
She says: It would be so much fun if we lived together.
She means: My things are in the car.
The beat goes on, and gets stronger and meaner depending on the woman. Had Phil just mentioned to me that the first words his it girl giggled were, “I’m not a stalker” (just after she called him four times in fifteen minutes) I could have signed, sealed and delivered the demise of his relationship without the fucking stamp!
Certain words and phrases are just laced with crazy! It always amazes me when men don’t see them. Or when they chose to ignore them. And in that case, I sit back and snicker because it’s so true that ignorance is bliss.
Until, of course, you have to slap her with a restraining order.
For the ladies: What are some other red flags that you have seen your girlfriends display?
For the men: What are some sure signs that a woman is a nut that now, looking back, you have ignored in the past?
My brother and I were both in college. You know that point you get to where you are finally an adult and can do adult things in front of your parents? You know, curse, smoke, talk about sex… adult stuff that you would hide from them as a teenager. That was where my brother and I were at.
The two of us were at home from college for the weekend, sitting in the kitchen having lunch with my mother. Our sweet, dear, pristine Catholic mother. We had finished eating but the three of us were still sitting around smoking and taking.
We were talking about porn.
Now we were not being graphic in front of mom who was listening intently… we were simply talking about how SHOCKING it was that some very famous celebrities had appeared naked and even appeared in porno videos when times were hard.
Remember this was many, many years ago before you could google any celebrity and naked pictures would pop up of them showering or sunbathing in France. This was back before everyone and their mother was naked on the internet.You know what I mean. We were shocked still when celebs took off their clothes. People still wore underwear back then. Remember the whole scandal when Penthouse published those images of Miss America Vanessa Williams back in 1984?
My brother and I discussed this at length naming famous celebs that had bared all stunning us with their sinful behavior.My mom finally piped up, “I’ve seen Sylvester Stallone in a Porno!”GASP!We were appalled! Flabbergasted! Total disbelief! Speechless! Our jaws dropped. We just stared at our mother with our shock emblazoned across our faces.
My brother and I had the exact same reactions. It took us only a mere moment to regain the ability to speak and we both shouted at my mother,
“YOU’VE SEEN A PORNO!?!?!?”
Our own mother! Our own mother was watching porn!
Trailer for Stallone’s Porno
Have you ever caught someone you wouldn’t suspect watching porn?
Better yet… have you ever been caught watching porn?
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) we’ve experienced but every single lie destroys little by little our ability to trust. We slowly stop trusting others or even hearing our own gut.
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