Recently, my best friend Phil met the perfect woman. Chiseled features, a hot little body and she could speak four different languages. It looked as though Phil had finally scored the dating trifecta. I was thrilled for him!
Phone call after phone, call he gave me the sordid account of their spine-tingling sex life, their whirlwind social calendar and their titillating phone conversations. The relationship he had entered into was not only built on intelligence, but dirty, dirty sex of epic proportions.
Bastard!
And then, about a month into the relationship, the volume of the phone calls changed. Phil’s demeanor changed. The once hyped-up little dude on the other end of the phone line began to sound nervous and wistful. The conversations of his glorious, glamorous it girl were not as emotionally charged as they had once been. And whenever I broached the topic, I was met with resistance.
I was confused. I was a little annoyed. I was quite curious as to why he was not sharing the brilliance of his new relationship any longer. And when I finally mustered up enough courage to ask, his response was not surprising. It turns out that she with the long legs, the flaxen blonde hair and pouty lips was “crazy.” Yep, crazy as in “mentally touched.”
After laughing at him for a minute (or ten) I told Phil that had he been more specific (honest) when telling me about his new lady-friend, I could have spotted this behavior and, perhaps warned him. I assured him that women are pretty much the same across the board, and certain buzz-words should have kicked him down to the floor where he should have immediately started lacing up his Nikes.
Below are a few situations that should send any man running if he wants to gracefully bow out of a relationship before the onslaught of a tumultuous shit storm!
She says: I’m independent.
She means: I’m needy, but I want you to believe that I’m independent so that by the time you actually realize this, you will be so insanely pussy whipped, you won’t be going anywhere. Sucker!
She says: I’m totally not a stalker.
She means: I’m a stalker. The kind that gets on a ladder and peeks into your bedroom window.
She says: I’m not crazy.
She means: I was institutionalized. Because I’m crazy.
Side note: She will ride you with unbridled enthusiasm in the sack. You might want to consider this one.
She says: I want to meet your parents.
She means: I don’t plan on going away. Ever.
She says: It would be so much fun if we lived together.
She means: My things are in the car.
The beat goes on, and gets stronger and meaner depending on the woman. Had Phil just mentioned to me that the first words his it girl giggled were, “I’m not a stalker” (just after she called him four times in fifteen minutes) I could have signed, sealed and delivered the demise of his relationship without the fucking stamp!
Certain words and phrases are just laced with crazy! It always amazes me when men don’t see them. Or when they chose to ignore them. And in that case, I sit back and snicker because it’s so true that ignorance is bliss.
Until, of course, you have to slap her with a restraining order.
For the ladies: What are some other red flags that you have seen your girlfriends display?
For the men: What are some sure signs that a woman is a nut that now, looking back, you have ignored in the past?
Written by Boozy Irish Floozie
Tags: Crazy, Needy, NikesLike this post? Buy me a beer. 
