Nobody enjoys being lied to.  It is not exactly a secret that lies cause hurt feelings and destroy trust, but let’s for a moment think of the even greater damage that your lies inflict.

We women have to constantly rely on our gut to warn us of danger.  When we find out that we got no warning that you were lying to us… that you were dangerous to our heart, it is like a little chip in our armor.  Your lie may not be the first or even the biggest (    ) we’ve experienced but every single lie destroys little by little our ability to trust.  We slowly stop trusting others or even hearing our own gut.

My father once told me something that I will never forget.  When I asked him why he and mom don’t ever have loud arguments, he said that they wait until they’ve both cooled down before discussing a difference of opinion that may cause an argument.  They don’t want to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that they may later regret.

“You may forgive someone for hurting you, but you will never forget.”

This is even more true with lies.  I can’t even count the number of lies that men have told me over the years… but I remember them all.  I try not to let one man’s lies affect how I am with a different man but I’m human.  I’ve learned things from every man I’ve been involved with.  A lot of those things are good and have helped me to grow.  All of those good things, however, are overshadowed by the one thing the men all have in common… the lies.  I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what makes them lie… trying to show them they don’t need to lie to me. 

I finally gave up.

It’s useless.  The only thing that helped me do is be able to predict when he/they were going to lie to me again and about what.  That’s helpful up until I get rocked by a new and even more devestating lie I didn’t see coming.

Later I jokingly came up with the one reason that explains all of it so that I could stop wasting my time stressing over why.  Men are FUCKED.  It’s a fact.  Even joking about it can’t stop the more insidious truth from settling in.  This is the one thing my subconscious has been trying to convince me for a long time.  This idea really hurts my optimism… damages my hope for good things.  This has really tried to drag me into a depression that even happy pills can’t cope with.

I cannot trust men. 

There, I said it.  I have lost the ability to trust anyone with a Y chromosome.  I feel sorry for any man that wants the chance to date me.  I can be very hostile when I think I’m being lied to and I am quick to run away when I think I may be hurt.  Wow, this is a downer.  Let’s change to the more general message I was looking to convey, shall we?

Men, you all have mothers… sisters, aunts, grandmothers, or female friends you care about.  Some of you even have daughters you would like to protect.  You would not like for the women in your life to be hurt.  Think about this.  Everytime you lie even about little things, you cause a woman to stop trusting you.  Everytime you lie, you contribute to a woman’s doubt that you even care about her.  Everytime you lie, you push a woman that much closer to giving up.  With each lie, you create a woman who is cold… untrusting… unfeeling… who refuses to let her guard down.  With each lie you create a woman who feels the need to run background checks on anyone she considers dating… who pushes away anyone who might be able to hurt her if she lets herself care. 

With each lie, you create a woman no man can get to… a woman no man can truly know…

First, The White-Knight Relationship.

In this relationship one party trades what they need (such as financial support) for what the other party wants; a commitment. In this scenario our Jane is in serious trouble. She cannot pay any of her utility bills and is about to lose power. (Pun intended? Perhaps…) Jane tells her co-worker and good friend Dick all about her financial woes. Dick really likes Jane, (and he sees this as an opportunity to show her he could be more than just a friend), so Dick offers to pay her bill for her; and insists she can pay him back when she gets on her feet. Later that afternoon when they are leaving work Dick asks Jane out to dinner. Jane accepts. “It’s a date!” Dick says. A date wasn’t what Jane was thinking, but no harm in that, right? Jane goes on said date, drinks more that her share of the wine Dick purchases and when Dick kisses her goodnight that evening she kisses him back. The next night Dick offers dinner again, and Jane accepts again. Dick is so nice and so generous; and okay, it’s true that she isn’t attracted to him, but that can grow, right? A month goes by, and now Dick is introducing Jane as his girlfriend, she is about to meet the parents and he is talking about taking it to the next “level”. Jane can no longer deny it; she has slipped into the girlfriend role. Accidental relationship type number one: savior becomes suitor. Escaping would mean breaking her good friend and rescuers heart; (and she really can’t pay him back right now anyway). Easier to let this relationship happen, perhaps he will love enough for the both of them.

Next we have The Date-Night Relationship.

This is a relationship of pure convenience on one side, and (sadly) true romantic feelings on the other. In this setting, Dick is seeing a couple girls, but nothing serious. Girls that he calls when he wants to see the new romantic comedy that he wouldn’t dare tell his guy friends he wants to see or if he needs a plus one for his cousin’s wedding. He calls on Jane for these occasions more and more; they have similar tastes in movies, and she really gets along with his family and friends, and of course the sex is good too. Jane is a great female friend…plus. But Jane is starting to be increasingly affectionate. She is calling him quite often between dates. Then one night she comes over and offers to cook instead of ordering the usual take-out. She’s brought a movie; it’s (uh oh) a romantic one. She snuggles up to him on the couch, where they end up falling asleep. In the morning Dick opens his eyes to see Jane staring at him with a strange smile upon her face. “I love you,” Jane murmurs. “I love you too,” Dick mumbles back without thinking. Voila! Dick has trapped himself in accidental relationship number two. He begrudgingly accepts this unintended commitment rather than dealing with the mess of breaking Jane’s heart. What started out as a pseudo relationship has become an actual one. Dick will put off breaking Jane’s heart…for now.

This brings us to number three, The Bad-Habit Relationship (AKA The Crutch).

The fear of being alone is strong in some people. They learn to use others to insulate themselves…from themselves. In this situation, Jane and Dick meet at the book store. Jane has just ended a relationship and isn’t quite over it yet and Dick isn’t in a relationship because he just doesn’t really have time for (or want to make time for) one. They both know that neither of them is in the proper place in their lives for a commitment to another person. Yet they find themselves very attracted to each other in an oddly comfortable, broken in sneaker kind of way. Very quickly they start to spend all their spare time together. It’s never very exciting or romantic. Most of the time Dick is ignoring Jane while he works or studies while Jane sits on the couch watching TV and talking about her ex-boyfriend. They aren’t in a relationship because they like each other, they just like the idea of another person in the room to hear them breathing. This is ugliest of accidental relationships, and it can be the most dangerous because you are bonded together by mutual fear. Dick and Jane stay in the unhealthy bad-habit relationships for a long period of time, unhappy and miserable but afraid to make a change.

Relationships are supposed to be about love and trust and mutual caring. They are not supposed to be about convenience or fear of being alone in a movie theater, or worse, in your own home. These accidental relationships are not just a waste of your time but they can be damaging, especially if the other party is not aware that you are in it for the wrong reason and is under the impression you are as invested in the relationship as they are. And besides, we are not here indefinitely. Staying with Mr. or Ms. Right Now will in fact keep you from meeting people that might actually be a better fit. So if you find yourself in an accidental relationship, be it the “white-knight,” the “date-night” the “bad-habit;” (or any other in a long list of dire intimate dealings) do yourself and your contingency partner a favor and get off at the next exit.

Otherwise you might just crash into something a lot more dangerous, like an accidental baby… with that accidental partner…which could become an accidental marriage… and, well, you get my point.

And now, men and women, discussion time. Have you ever found yourself in an accidental relationship? How did it turn out? Perhaps you are in one now and need some help…? Don’t be shy, we don’t judge…much.

With that being said though, when a girl gets herself into trouble or wants to avoid embarrassment, she will say just about anything.

ANYTHING.

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And it never changes. Whether we are fifteen or fifty, women band together and chatter about the same topics. Men. Sex. How our men perform during sex. Penis size, oral sex, whether or not we are being satisfied during sex. Anal sex. Who we would rather be having sex with. And once in a rare while, we will talk about that dirty, skanky slut with the 21″ waist and 36C chest who lives next door.

We also love to talk about ourselves. Well, at least I do. We talk about our hair, our bodies, and our insecurities. We discuss boys, men and women that we are jealous of (though we would never dare use the word jealousy). We describe our fantasies. In full, sordid detail. And then we take off all of our clothes and make out.
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So I figure, if she is “Perfect” for me, than my friend must know me really well. This perfect girl will have supermodel looks, be cool as all hell, and eat pizza during sex.

First things first I say “Is she hot?” and every god damn time the response is: “Uhmm…she’s got a great personality…”

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