I took my first bath in ages the other night. I shower… you know? The problem? I pee in the pool. Not the fucking same.

I think cucumbers are pussies. When pickles defected with their own name instead of being called “sour cucumbers” or “vinegar cucumbers” the cucumbers should have declared war. China is a pussy too. The Union back in the 1860’s…. not pussies.

I think once you fuck a girl, you should be a allowed fuck her whenever you need to. Like getting a ride to the airport or helping someone move. This is actually more important if you ask me. I mean, a shuttle to the airport costs $30. Pussy is like a few hundred. Girls are concerned about keeping their number low. This won’t effect that since she has fucked the guy already. So share your pussy with people you have already fucked and stop being so fucking selfish.

When you smell a fart, its actual microscopic pieces of shit entering your nose, then your lungs, and eventually into your blood stream. So yeah, its ok to get pissed.

“I will meet you @ 6pm.”- Did you just abbreviate the word “at”? Uh, it’s two fucking letters!

Some people say we want what we can’t have. Well, a gay guy told me I was ugly once. I still didn’t want to fuck him. So whoever said that is stupid.

I could never date a girl who was into black guys. I mean, what in the world could I wrap around my dick to compete with that? Do you know whats bullshit? Black guys that hate stereotypes. I would trade every negative stereotype about myself for people to automatically assume I am a good basketball player, good dancer, and have a huge dick. I’d be like “fuck it… ok, I like watermelon and fried chicken too.”

I am Super Jabs, and this is what happens when I get bored and type.

I never sing to my dick. I just usually look at it frustrated and think, “What the fuck did you get me into?”

Thanks to Ashley for sending this in.

Trying drinking lemonade while eating a pickle. Wait, that has nothing to do with this. Can someone translate this video please?

Is this better or worse than getting your ass kicked?

I tell you what. If I had to wear one of those faggy ass uniforms all day. Sticking the taser to a loud mouth bitch would be a job perk.

The police were not charged with brutality because the judge said, “It is the duty of police to protect and serve. Any girl with an ass that big wearing a thong is a threat to the local neighborhood.”

“Who’s the bigger liars, men or women? … Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.”- Chris Rock

Everyone lies. No…fuck you. Everyone fucking lies. The magnitude and quantity of those lies separate a normal, everyday liar and being pathological about it. The difference between the lies that woman and men tell are insane! Men…do it all the time. Woman, wait for the opportune moment. But the reasons why is something amazing.

I am a guy, so I know the kind of lies I have told in my time. I also will be taking quotes from the October 2006 edition of Cosmopolitan from the article “How Sneaky Woman Get Their Way With Men.”

Man lie:“If we have sex tonight I will call you tomorrow.” You know he won’t. But if he tells you that, and you sleep with him, then you are a victim who was manipulated by a player instead of being easy and giving it up too fast. As long as you can tell your friends you got played and you are not responsible for the decision of spreading your fucking pair of legs, you are set.
Woman lie: “I was backing out of a parking spot and I accidental dinged the car behind me. The parking attendant that saw it said he wouldn’t say anything- if I gave him my phone number for a date. I laughed, gave it to him and drove off. Of course, it was a completely fake name and number.” When that attendant tracks her down by her license plate number and hacks off her head, I won’t feel bad for her at all. What a cunt, not only did  she cause damage to another vehicle, but she lied to someone risking his job to help her. (Note: Woman lie…”I am a good driver.” Doctors have proven that its not physically possible)

Man lie:“I am __ inches long.” Nope. Always take an inch or two off there. This spurs on a pack of lies like, it’s not the size of the boat, its the motion in the ocean…and all that fucking shit. Does it matter? Is it a big lie? Whats that patting in your bra for?

Woman lie:Getting dinners and drinks- “There was a trendy restaurant I wanted to try but couldn’t afford. When someone from work asked me out I suggested we go there even though I had no interest in him at all. He took me, he paid. When he asked me out again, I told him it wasn’t a good idea to date co workers.” - Is free food a drinks worth getting someones hopes up? Is rejecting them later worth a few Captain and Cokes or a  fucking salad? The value that woman place on free food compared to someones emotions is staggering!
Man lie:“I make $XXX,000 per year”- No he doesn’t. I will tell you this right now…Take that number and divide it by 2. Yeah, we are trying to impress you. If we get to know you better we will try and pass off the things we can’t afford as us being cheap. Truth be told, it’s women’s fault men lie about this stuff because, you say you are looking for stability when it reality…you are just materialistic.

Woman lie:Convincing him to propose- “I faked a pregnancy scare by skipping the placebos in my birth control pack and going strait to the next month so I would skip my period. It ended up prompting all these deep talks about our future. By the time I ‘got my period’ he said he still wanted to get married anyway.”- Are you fucking kidding me? That’s as deep of a dark hole as one can venture into. One could say that its a necessary measure to get a guy who won’t propose to do so, but why not just ruffie him and take him to Vegas?
The bottom line is that men will lie to make you think we are giving you what you want. Woman lie…to get what they want. So…why do both sexes lie? Because of the shit a women wants. We lie so you think you are getting it, and you lie to get it.

The difference though is the limits that women will go to. As Chris Rock said, “A man will lie and say he was at Joe’s when he was at the club. A woman will say, ‘It’s your baby.’” In the end, if you look at the examples above, than man’s lie have no great impact on life or happiness. The woman’s lies…are life changers. And you do it so fucking well.

I am convinced there is a deep dark place woman can go to pull out their lies and go to the grave with them. Not us guys though. We get caught, and the real reason you forgive us…is because of the shit you have lied to us about and gotten away with.

Whats the biggest lie you have told?

or

Whats the biggest lie you have been told?

With the exception of having my own boobs, I would never wish to be a woman. You ladies have it rough sometimes. You never seem to get enough credit, you have a million things you have to do in order just to maintain looking like a normal girl and… you have to deal with douche bag guys like me.

When you have testicles there are certain things in life you can do that should have you stripped of them. Here are some of those things.

-Wear a pink shirt:

When babies are born the only thing used to tell the difference between male and female is blue and pink… That never changes. Stop it.

-Peirce anything:

I see an earing, I think gay. If you aren’t gay, buy a calender… It’s 2007.

-Tan:

“I went hunting and killed me a a couple deer today, what did you do?”

“I went to the tanning salon.”- I rest my case

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