It’s almost an involuntary reaction. Like a twitching eyelid. Or a muscle going into spasm. When you see a hot man or woman strut by you in the street, your head just can’t help it. Almost without fail, your neck will will make that slow, circular turn around to catch a glimpse of them from the back as they disappear into the horizon. We all love looking at Picasso’s when they’re hanging on the walls of a museum. But is it cool to stare at a heavenly human body when you’re in a serious, monogamous relationship.
Where are the boundaries , where do you draw the line for you and for your partner? Can that be controlled? Of course it can, everything can. Guys stare, sometimes aggressively . Ever see the guy who is with his girl and does a 360 just to stare at the hot girl walking by? Girls are guilty too we just know how to conceal it better. We are people watchers period. I can admire a beautiful woman as much as an attractive man. The key like everything else is Tact, control, respect. When I am with my man I want to feel as if I am the only girl in the room and I want him to feel the same about himself.I only see him. I have no problem with the natural glance but the stare is another story. I have never had to deal with that but I have seen it over and over again.
The only way a guy can get away with looking at a hot girl is if he bashes her. So next time you see a smokin chicka this is what you say.. ” Holy Shit ! Can you believe she is wearing that shirt ? She looks like a total fucking Hoochie ! That’s just wrong , she needs to check herself. ”
See then us girls will be like Yeah, that whore. All is golden after that. We both agree she’s a mess and move on with our meal..
Girls don’t need a line . We get in trouble anyway even if we are looking at the great tile work behind the bar. So we just use our simple ways of glance. Its so quick and discreet not even I remember what I saw.,
So tell me are there any gwakers out there? Have any of you guys gotten ripped because you gave the way too long stare. How do you control your primal glance?
How about us women , I know the ladies have lots of stories. What was the worst experience you have had with this. What do you do in that situation?
Don’t forget to stare at my ass as I walk out the door..
As everyone knows I am filled with el brilliante ideas. Well today I figured out how to save the whole frickin planet. I am a truly a mortal among men.
There are 3 main problems facing Earth today (besides the French)
Global Warming
Ozone shit
Not enough Taco Bell’s
Most hippies would have you believe that global warming is even more real than Big Foot’s G-Spot. However if you’ve ever been in Michigan in February you’d agree that the world isn’t yet warm enough. I for one am all for melting the polar ice caps to fill my swimming pool but alas we visionaries are in the minority.
One day when global warming IS real they can put my solution in place. Here’s how it will work.
Figure 1A
Stop the Earth from warming up by building a pollution chimney into space. Just like the fan above your oven…except instead of going to your roof, it goes into the vastness of not shit. Or just nuke China…either or. Every time I see a global warming piece on TV it shows some Asian country with a shitty bus pouring out black smoke. I figure if we off China the rest of Asia will fall into line and start using all those bikes they claim to have. If this doesn’t work then we just build a big chimney over every country that’s fuckin shit up – us included. The chimneys would be pointed at the Sun…and who really cares about that.
Cool off the Earth by building a cooling duct from space. Everyone knows that space is so cold that even ice would instantly freeze. Bring a little of that cool air my way buster! With a little work we could have global air conditioning all year long! From this day forward I will suffer sweaty ball sack no more, forever.
Encourage Mexicans to apply for citizenship under the “Work at T-Bell” clause in the Constitution. If you told Jesus he could live in the US and continue to worship burritos he’d think he was in heaven….especially since he’s Jesus.
Also I think we should go with the stainless steel Earth hood because it’s easy to clean.
It begins with a toothbrush. Fighter of plaque and tooth decay, whitener of teeth, freshener of breath, the toothbrush appears harmlessly in the bathroom drawer sometime after the new girl has begun staying the night. Harmless because who but an Englishman could find horror in this most benign of objects? The toothbrush is just a scout, however. Like a Navy SEAL HALO’ing in a hundred miles behind enemy lines, the toothbrush lands silently in your bathroom drawer, dons its nightvision goggles and sets up a geurilla campaign that is a harbinger of impending onslaught. You can fight it, but the mere presence of the SEAL toothbrush means you’re already fucked.
More toiletry items take up residence as the relationship blossoms. You allow her a drawer, medicine cabinet space, perhaps a cabinet all her own. A bottle of shampoo that costs half of your monthly beer budget pops up like magic in the shower. One, then a handful, then many garments find hanger space in the closet. Eventually, the discussion will be had about moving in together as though the act were not a foregone conclusion. Hell, it’s better than having to buy a ring and you’ll have more beer money every month.
Moving day arrives. Your place is now our place. Which means significant portions of it are her place. Portions like the bathroom.
The following morning, it’s there. Right there. In the corner of the shower. Rising three tiers is a basket thingy whose purpose is the organization of the myriad bath products that now threaten to exceed the tub surround’s weight limit. In that rack, you find all of the following:
Matrix Essentials So Silver Shampoo
Body by Bed Head Papaya Body Wash
Cinnamon Roll Heaven All-Over Wash (All the Lovin’ Without the Oven says the bottle)
Pureology Anti-Fade Complex
Pantene Pro-V Color Revival Conditioner
Garnier Fructis Fortifying Shampoo
Biore Shine Control Clay Mask
Garnier Nutritioniste Nutri-Pure Detoxifying Creme Cleanser
Clean & Clear Advantage Facial Cleanser
Neutrogena Daily Scrub
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
Mary Kay Microdermabrasion Step 1: Refine
Neutrogena Clarifying Facial Cleanser
True Blue Spa Fine and Sandy Beach Pedicure Sudsing Foot Scrub
Son of a bitch, it’s World War III in the shower.
Boxes with Pottery Barn logos arrive almost daily by UPS. Z Gallerie bags peek from the trashcan. Your position is being overrun. Sporting art gets moved around. Stemware racks and buffets go in their place. Wall sconces occupy a bedroom filled with furniture that isn’t yours.
Lamentations are made on your part about hunting season being closed. Were it not so, you’d have more taxidermy in the works. The billfish are in around Cabo, though. Perhaps a sailfish or striped marlin right there over the couch. Something, anything to inject new testosterone into the decorating, even if it means a picture of dogs playing poker or a velvet Elvis. Or dogs playing poker with Elvis… on velvet… with John Wayne.
And all this, of course, because you didn’t want to buy the ring. The massive horror and indignity of getting fucked in a divorce has given way to the small indignations of cohabitation. Granted, these are the same small affrights of marriage, but you justify it as being the middle ground, the doublestuff center of life’s Oreo. You can’t just stay a bachelor all your life, right? Right? So, this cohabitation thing, it’s not that bad, and at least there’s not a prison-style ass fuck at the end with your own tears for lube.
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“And being apart ain’t easy
On this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
I’m forever yours…faithfully”
I just wonder if Steve Perry had a dad, and if so, why in the blue fuck did his dad not bitch slap him for sounding like such a pussy? I thought the point of being a rock star was to avoid having to pine away for girls like this. Pussy.
When I found out that Rob Halpert was gay, I sighed, and thought… “That makes sense.” Turbo lover? Who sings a song bragging about being a two pump chump… Even if you are sticking it in the pooper.
I know you might be thinking about how talented a drummer has to be to play with one arm. I have another spin on that. How simple does your music have to be for a guy with one arm to be able to keep up.
The video above is lame, but the lyrics to every body’s favorite bar song “Pour some Sugar on Me”…
“Love is like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on
Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah”
Uh… what? FYI, these guys didn’t even write their own music. The same guy that wrote for Bryan Adams wrote for them.
How does a band go from songs like Running with the Devil, Unchained, and Everybody wants some to this?
“We’ll get higher and higher straight up we’ll climb
We’ll get higher and higher leave it all behind
So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you’ve cried
Ohh that’s what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that’s what dreams are made of”
Sammy Hagar pulled an amazing transformation from Hallmark card writer to heavy metal front man.
“Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb
But I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem”
What high school note did these guys intercept to come up with these lyrics? “I may be dumb”? Wait wait wait! Yes you are!
I was in Portugal once. Here is what I did to become a local hero. Too bad the girls there don’t shave their pits.
“That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore”
How did these guys go from listening to Pearl Jam and Nirvana to writing lyrics that Mariah Carey would deem to soft? If I see one more myspace page with a Nickelback song, I am going to kick the next baby I see.
Um, is this a rock band or a flavor of Clearly Canadian? Some of you are saying, “I like that song.” But read this shit out loud and ask yourself how fuckin silly you sound.
Break me down, you got a lovely face going to your place now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fucking laid you want me to stay but I got to make my way
Hey! You’re a crazy bitch but you fuck so good I’m on top of it
When I dream I’m doing you all night scratches all down my back to keep me right on
LAME
_________________________________________________
Which of these bands will you admit to being a suck for at some point in your life?
I’ve realized why most (if not all) girls are stupid. It’s the same thing that causes dumb children and might even explain what’s wrong with retards.
So what could tarts, ankle biters and non retarded adult females have in common? Simple – they all scream.
A frightening situation happens – you wake up every morning to find you’re naked in middle of the street again – this may generate a little fear in some people. When men are scared (not that I’m ever scared…oh hell no, I’m a mans man) we…they….us…go into ‘Fight or Flight’ mode. Meaning we either kick ass, or run so we don’t get ours kicked. In order to make this quick life or death decision, our body starts pumping adrenaline, our heart rate increases, and we take an immediate quick gasp of air. The extra oxygen improves our eyesight and quick judgment. Within the first second or two we are either swinging our fists at our bastard brother who just jumped out at us, or we’re running towards the nearest exit at 60 MPH while yelling “SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!”
That’s how a guy works…now lets look at girls.
Something scary happens – you find yourself doing something girly and there is pink everywhere. You’re shirt says “SEXY” in big glittery letters. You are a girly prissy princess. Suddenly a bee lands on your arm. The women’s version of ‘Fight or Flight’ kicks in, but it’s called ‘Flap your Arms and Scream’.
There is no situation in the world where screaming helps. And unless you’re a bird or trying to swim, the arm flapping doesn’t do to much either.
Where guys get more oxygen, girls actually expel it – making them easy targets for monsters in horror movies.
Children are much the same. If the brat is also a girl then that kid better never get into any dangerous situation because little Suzie would be straight fucked.
The only way any woman can survive a potentially bad situation is if a guy saves her. Look at the Titanic – a boatload of people died because the Captain was a cross-dressing woman who couldn’t make a decision and crashed into a frickin ice cube…..so sad.
In closing - the reason women are stupid is because they can’t think for themselves when it’s most crucial. If it wasn’t for men instructing women what to do, the human race would be extinct. So all of you women out there – listen to your man and do exactly what he says - after all, he knows what’s good for you, even if you don’t.
